


the sunniest side of roseway

by emyn ab morlan (gwenynnefydd)



Category: The Outer Worlds (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Belly Rubs, Caretaking, Cuddling & Snuggling, Depression, Disordered Eating, Emotional Baggage, Fluff, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Low INT Captain (Outer Worlds), M/M, Medical Malpractice, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Mental Health Issues, Non-Consensual Detransition, Other, Post-Scylla Maximillian DeSoto, Transgender, Transgender Felix Millstone, Transgender Maximillian DeSoto
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:27:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26958787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwenynnefydd/pseuds/emyn%20ab%20morlan
Summary: Being trans out in space presents Felix with a number of issues that he has no hope of solving on his own. The road to transition is fraught with hurdles, and Felix has to choose who to trust and who to obey, all while dealing with crippling dysphoria and the fallout of a lack of good healthcare. But with the support of his crew, perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel after all.
Relationships: Maximillian DeSoto/Felix Millstone, Nonbinary Captain & Felix Millstone, Parvati Holcomb & Felix Millstone, Queerplatonic Maximillian Desoto/Felix Millstone, The Captain & Felix Millstone, The Captain & Maximillian DeSoto
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	the sunniest side of roseway

**Author's Note:**

> am i going to dump all my medical trauma onto felix and use this fic as therapy meta to comment on the trashfire that is trans healthcare in the uk?
> 
> absolutely. enjoy.

There was something wrong with Felix.

Max had been pondering this thought for a while, at least for the past few weeks. The crew had been on the Unreliable for a year now, and Max liked to think he knew the crew rather well. He knew Felix better than the others - their shared love of tossball and Felix’s habit of falling into his bunk when drunk and introspective meant they spent more time together than most. So when Felix began to act strangely, Max was understandably concerned.

It was perhaps not something that the others would pick up on. But Max had noticed Felix was much more withdrawn, often staying in his room, or only contributing minimally to conversations if he was not. He seemed to spend much more time sleeping too - not that it was common to find Felix awake any time before oh-ten-hundred hours, but it was unusual to find him turning into bed before midnight, like he was now. And even then, Max had heard him slip from his room in the middle of the night, clearly unable to sleep.

Max knew the boy well enough that an outright asking of what was going on would elicit half-truths or deflecting. Felix was a smart man, when he felt like applying himself, and Max had watched him talk his way of many a conversation. No, he had to be subtle, to catch Felix when his guard was down, when the other members of the crew were occupied. Perhaps, in such an intimate moment, Felix would slow down and tell him what was going on.

If he was lucky.

Max opted to set his trap one Tuesday evening, after the latest tossball game had finished. The others always retired to their rooms early when the tossball was on - apparently, his and Felix’s enthusiasm for the game tended to grate after the first hour. Only the Captain, ex-tossball player and later retired tossball medic Toby “Terror” Ng, stayed with them for the match. Predictably, after the final whistle blew, Felix begged off the post-match debate after a few minutes and went to bed, and Max was sitting with Toby.

“Is there… something up with Felix, do you think?” Toby asked, once Felix’s door slid shut. “He was quiet tonight. Not like him.”

“I’m glad you noticed.” Max replied, finishing the last of his whiskey. “I’ve noticed it too.”

“He doesn’t leave the ship much at the moment. He used to be begging to leave with me, but the past month? I’ve had to hunt him down.”

“He’s been much more withdrawn. Has he told you anything?”

“No,” Toby shook their head. “Not that I haven’t tried. I guess me being his Captain means he can’t be quite honest with me.”

“Power imbalance, hmm?”

“Hmm.” Toby was silent for a moment. “You should ask him.”

“I plan to.” Max carefully rose from the settee and deposited his glass in the sink. “Carefully, of course. Subtly.”

“Good plan. Good thing you’re doing it too. Subtlety is not my forte.”

Max thinks back to all the well-made plans hastily changed by Toby’s complete lack of stealth, and silently agreed. ”I’ll see what I can do, Captain.”

“Thanks,” Max heard Toby rise, and felt the hand pressed to his shoulder as Toby passed by on the way to their own room. “Always knew it was good to have you as my brain.”

BREAK

That night, Max implemented his plan. Soon after Toby went to bed, Max too began to prepare for bed, completing his nighttime ablutions and changing out of his vestments into a loose robe and some pyjamas. But when his own door slid shut, Max did not settle himself under the duvet and turn the light out. Instead, he lit a small lamp next to his bed and pulled a book from his shelves to read, and instead settled onto his bunk to read and to wait.

A a little past zero-two-hundred hours, Max’s patience paid off. A whoosh of a door opening and closing, and the soft padding of socked feet crossing the ship brought Max out of the book he was reading. He silently put it aside, and rose to push on his slippers, before quietly slipping out of his room. There was a light in the kitchen - not the ship’s light, but the screen of a digital reader, being used to illuminate the way. In its glow, Max could see Felix’s face, tired and somewhat downcast, a far cry from the joyful young man Max was used to seeing. He too was in his pyjamas, however he was covered on top with a thick, bulky hoodie. With a small sigh, Max stepped forward, and turned on a side lamp.

“Trouble sleeping?”

To his credit, Felix did not jump or swear. Instead, he froze, tense and wary as his mind rushed to catalogue who was speaking and that he’d been caught. Max waited until Felix’s shoulders slumped before stepping forward. Felix turned towards him, shame-faced and flushed - Max’s keen eye caught a glimpse of a Knock-You-Out bar before Felix stashed it behind his back.

“I didn’t think you did spiritual counseling between two and four-hundred hours.” Felix tried to joke. Max smiled a little, and shook his head.

“I can always make time for a friend in need,” he replied. “Sit down - I’ve just the thing.”

Felix looked as if he were about to argue, about to come up with some excuse to peel off to his room, but after a few moments of internal warring, he nodded and sat down on one of the settees. Max went to the counter and made his cure-all for all nighttime woes - two cups of hot chocolate with Iceberg brandy - and came to join him, settling in at the other end of the settee. Now sat down, Felix looked even more despondent and ashamed, and Max handed him a cup so he would have something to do with his hands besides wring them. They sat together for a few moments, sipping at their respective drinks, before Max spoke again.

“Felix, I’ve noticed… you’ve not been yourself lately.” Max chose his words carefully, not wanting to break this fragile moment. “Are you ill?”

“Do you miss my big mouth, Vic?” Felix was sharp in response. “You never liked what I had to say before.”

“I’ve found I’ve become rather fond of your voice.” Max teased a little, and was heartened by the small returned smile. “But more to the point - I’m rather fond of you being content. What’s going on?”

There were a few minutes of silence, as Felix struggled to put the words together. Max waited quietly, patiently - he was good at that, after visiting Scylla. He could wait until Felix could put the right words together.

“It’s… it’s a medical thing.” Felix finally said. “I’m having a few issues with my medications.”

“Medical?” Max frowned. “Are you… is it life threatening?”

“Yes, but also no - it’s not in the way you’re thinking, but it’s- argh!” Felix put the cup down more forcefully than necessary. “Look Max, I’m trans.”

There were many things Max could’ve said to that, many things he wanted to say. He wanted to say that was no problem to him, that Felix was who he said he was. He wanted to say he understood, he knew how the Board and some narrow-minded individuals treated transpeople like him. If Felix was having trouble with his medication, Max wanted to assure him that they could work something out. But all those things were many words and would probably come out as a speech, something that Felix probably didn’t need to hear right now, not at this time in the morning.

So he said the one thing that could encapsulate everything he wanted to say: “Me too.”

Felix blinked. “Wait - what? You? You’re…”

“Transgender, yes.” Max shifted a little. “Transitioned years ago. I prefer to keep it quiet.”

“Oh, _wow_.” Felix’s expression widened into surprise and awe. “You didn’t strike me as the time. I mean, well- with how you act. And you’re _older_.”

Max felt a flicker of annoyance flare in his throat. “Dysphoria isn’t restricted to the young and foolish, Mr Millstone.”

“I know _that_.” Felix rolled his eyes. “It’s just - that’s our story, isn’t it? Trans folk live fast and die young. It just… it always throws me when I meet transfolk who are senior.”

 _Well, that was fair,_ Max thought. He’d held the same beliefs once upon a time. “Mind who you’re calling senior.”

“Alright, old man.” Felix was grinning - impertinent brat. “But, seriously? How did you do it? With who?”

“Through the OSI. It took a while, with all their checks, but fifteen years later-”

“Wait, _fifteen_ years?!”

“Yes.” Max watched Felix’s face morph into horror with some interest. “There were checks. Waiting lists. Six doctors, two surgeons, and a year and a half between each appointment. Plus some pocket change when they apparently ‘lost my files’ and I nearly had to start the entire thing again.”

“I… don’t know what to say.” Felix’s was clearly scrabbling around for words. “I just- _fifteen_ years?! All because of gate-keeping?! I felt like clawing out of my skin after two years of waiting for my meds!”

“The OSI is nothing if not thorough.” Max didn’t mention that he too was clawing out of his skin after the first two years. “They fitted me with an implant after three.”

“You got one of Cleo’s hormone conversion implants?” Felix whistled. “Pricey.”

“The church was rich. They could afford it. They couldn’t afford me being sick if I was on a mission away from my medication.” Max paused for a moment. “But what about you? How far have you gotten?”

Felix rubbed the back of his neck. “Yeah. I was with Doc Mfuru on Groundbreaker - bless Junlei and her insistence on universal healthcare for station residents. He prescribed me gel two years ago - no implant, not on an independent station.”

“And he’s able to get your dose to you, even on the Unreliable?”

“Well… no.” Felix looked a little sheepish. “Doc Mfuru can’t do telemedicine, especially not in Board-controlled areas. He gave me a six month stack before I left Groundbreaker, and I rationed it, but… well, I’m out.”

Max felt a kernel of worry knot in his gut. “Felix,” he asked, slowly. “How long have you been off your medication?”

“Three months, I think? I was on a lower dose for a few months before then though. Rationing, like I said.”

“That doesn’t sound safe. Nor pleasant.” 

“Preaching to the converted there, Max. Depression, anxiety, insane appetite-” Felix laughed and shook the empty chocolate wrapper, but it was a bitter sound. “Plus brain fog, wanting to sleep all the time…”

“That’s why you’ve been acting strange.” Max murmured, the pieces finally falling into place. “You’ve been quieter. More withdrawn. You’ve been hiding in your room, not wanting to do anything.”

“Aw, Vic, you worried about me?” The quip came out strained.

“There has to be something we can do.” Max took a few moments to imagine his implant failing, and pulled a face. “Does the Captain know?”

“No, and I don’t want them to.” The younger man turned away, frowning. “I couldn’t worry them like that.”

“They’re nonbinary, Felix. They’d understand. They could have the resources to find a solution-”

“The solution at this point,” Felix’s voice was exhausted, as if he’d had this very conversation with himself many times before. “would be to sign up to a corporation’s welfare program. We don’t have the bits to enter it privately, and I’m not keen on signing an indenture contract and working in that Edgewater cannery for the rest of my days to access it.”

“Even if it makes you sick?”

“Even then.” A ghost of a smile passed Felix’s lips. “You know me, Max - since when would I become a bootlicker?”

There were some occasions (okay, rather many occasions) when Max honestly wanted to throttle Felix. Perhaps before Scylla, Max would’ve been much more tempted to indulge that particular fantasy. But he was better than that now, and instead all he did was take a deep breath, and exhale.

“For what it’s worth, I think you should tell them.” Max finally said. “Three heads are better than one. They might have an idea on what to do.”

“Max, you know I dearly love our good Cap.” Felix’s lips twisted into a wry smile. “but honestly, they’ve got more heart than brain some days.”

“Still, it’s worth a try.” Max hesitated, then laid a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “We’re family, Felix. No-one here wants you sick.”

Felix seemed to sag beneath his hand. “I...yeah, I suppose it couldn’t hurt.”


End file.
